Navigating the Complexities and Consequences of Sharing Your Child's Life Online

What if your sharing about your child online could negatively impact their mental health later in life? In this episode we'll look at some of the possible implications of sharing your child's photos and personal information online.

We'll discuss the complexities of parents sharing childhood memories on the digital stage while acknowledging why it happens. Parenthood can be a lonely journey, and social media feels like it provides an avenue for connection, but at what cost?

Drawing from my early career interactions with teens worried about their online image, I'm reflecting on the ability of young children to provide consent for online sharing contrasted with a parent's desire to be connected to a community.

Join me in navigating the digital dilemmas of sharing about children in the online space.

Are you looking for a community of parents to support you with the challenges of parenting in the digital age. Check out the Raising Resilient Children Resource Centre and Community HERE

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You can also submit questions directly to me at info@taragratto.ca or by heading to our website HERE

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The music for this podcast is written and produced by Jazlyn B with the guidance of Sabine Ndalamba

Note: This podcast is created for educational purposes only. Any references links, resources or content are not intended as a substitute for medical or professional mental health advice.

Transcript

[00:00:00] Today's episode is really going to be about the life with kids part. Um, it's a tricky topic. I'm going to put it out there upfront. Uh, one of the things that I find most challenging about my role is that sometimes I maybe hold back from big topics because I'm very mindful that parenting is a judgmental space. And it can be really hard to know what's valuable information and not valuable information. And one of the things I've learned working with children and families for over two decades is, there is really no cookie cutter because no two families are the same, there's different dynamics. 

[00:00:39] And in my work, I work with so many different types of families, which I love, right. Single parents by choice, two parents, one parent, like it it's. I have such a diversity. So one of the things that's tricky about speaking is sometimes when I have a really strong feeling or an opinion about something. Historically, I may have held back. So today I'm going to be putting some stuff out there that I've held back on because I'm really seeing it playing out in a tricky, tricky way. 

[00:01:09] And that is about sharing information and pictures of children in the virtual space. 

[00:01:16] And one of the things that I sort of want to do is I want to start with a story. So at the very beginning of my career, before I went to do teacher's college, I was working as a residential don in a private boarding school. So I lived in house with 54 teenage girls. 

[00:01:38] And it was actually at the height of when Facebook changed from being exclusive to the college communities and flipped to public space. Now what's interesting is I actually was reflecting on this, this weekend as I was driving. I was like, wait a second. Um, one of the loopholes, if you know anything about the independent system, you know, that a lot of the boarding schools in Canada have college as part of their name. So even though they're high schools, they have college. 

[00:02:08] And so there's a bit of a loophole there. At least there was. Um, so there were some kids that had accounts before it was actually flipped to being an everything account. But here's the story. I distinctly remember it was that impactful. It stands out in my mind. I distinctly remember when it was about to or what it did go. Cause I think that's when I got my Facebook account. 

[00:02:28] Um, public. The kids, the teenagers were kind of freaking out. And they were freaking out because they are worried about what their parents could and would share about them. And they were really sort of mindful that as they were in this new phase of development and some of them were getting ready to move on to their post-secondary journeys, the next chapter of their life. They're very worried about what could or would be said or shown about them, right. 

[00:02:58] This idea. And I'm going to say when social media first started. I mean, it still happens now, but even more so. Oversharing was a big theme, right? It's it's sort of how that whole process started likes hadn't really been created yet. But I distinctly remember such concern about what that would look like. 

[00:03:17] And one of the things that I've reflected on at many points in the last, I'm going to say 10 years in particular. Is how much, um, weight we give to young children in their ability to consent to something in their ability to agree to something. And. This is where I'm going to sort of take a bit of a stance that I think might be different than what a lot of people say. Um, I do not think young children can agree to having their information and pictures shared online. I really don't think they have the mental, um, objectivity for that decision. And here's why I think young children, I think children in general, regardless of age and stage are hardwired to please their parents and if you've been on social media at all recently. Especially TikTok or any of those ones, one of the things you'll notice is there's a lot of, like, I think trauma might be the most overused word of, of the current state, but what, the thing that they all are sort of honing down in on is. 

[00:04:21] The things you did to please your parents at the expense of yourself. Right? So there's a theme there. If you sort of dig in, there's a theme. 

[00:04:28] Now, one of the things that's interesting about that when you try to take a step back. Is. Why is that? Well, kids are hardwired to please their parents, right? So we don't like to disappoint our parents. We don't like to, um, make them upset. We try to fix their feelings. There's all kinds of things that we're trying to be more mindful of. This is the same age of kid we're asking. Is it okay if I share? And one of the things that I think is impossible is that for them to, to truly authentically understand the implications of that decision. And if you were to ask me, well, when do I think that could be, I don't have a great answer for you. I think it might be if I was to throw a guess, guess 15, 14, um, and why I say that is because that's the age when kids kind of really understand. 

[00:05:22] And one of the things that's interesting about social media is. Um, there's of course the dopamine hits, right? The likes, the shares, the, that, that instant gratification and in parenting, which can feel very isolating, especially if you don't have a community, your community is spread out. I know what that feels like when my children were very young, my family actually lived overseas still. Um, and my husband works in food, the hospitality industry. So, you know, it can feel very alone. Um, even if you're surrounded by people, you can still feel very alone. So that sort of connection we've used the internet for connection. And I'm not saying that we're not going to, I had a great episode with Paul Davis about this, about a year ago, about how do we safely share, what does that look like.

[00:06:03] But I do want to touch first on this idea that like I asked my child, so therefore they said yes, and I actually don't think that they can say yes and have that be meaningful. So, what I'm sort of getting at is young children want to please us, but they're also caught up in the shiny gold object of what the internet is, right. Likes, shares, right. Coming back for that more for that validation. And I shared very openly and honestly, around Christmas, when I did my, my internet time audit, as I was building this business, how I fell down the social media marketing rabbit hole. 

[00:06:41] And as somebody who's studied social social emotional intelligence and sort of is very acutely aware of my sort of self identity and all those things. I was able to separate myself. So I didn't think that post that failed were a reflection of me as a person, but I did think of them as a reflection of my business and that's all very, um, untrue. I falsified. 

[00:07:05] But if you're a child in your formative years, that's going to greatly impact your self esteem, your perspectives on all the things. There's tons of research about some of the social media impacts and things like that. I don't really want to go down that sort of that current discussion. What I want to focus on here is the idea that like, sharing pictures of children online. I don't actually think children can can agree to doing that.

[00:07:29] And I also think there's some trickiness happening in the world. I mean, I have been told as a business owner who works in the parenting sphere multiple times, that I should be sharing more insights into my family. More insights, more pictures. If you look at my content, you will see there's no pictures of anyone's children let alone my children. 

[00:07:47] Um, If you work with me, one-on-one if you work with me in a group setting where there's no recordings, Uh, you know, a bit more about me and my family from a parenting perspective from that empathetic approach, that kind of thing. But in terms of content, It's very few and far between I have thought about it and like, you know, had to grapple with trying potentially. And ultimately I always come up to the same conclusion. But here's the thing. Um, more recently someone was someone again asked me, they're like, you know, have you not noticed that some of the major influencers, even some of the big names who are psychologists with you know, backgrounds and research. Often use their children as their example. 

[00:08:30] Hey, I faced this challenge with my child this morning, and this is how I handled it. 

[00:08:34] So I just want to step back on that for a second and realize and recognize that those children's mental health also matters. And having your tribulations of life, the daily grind shared with the world. Maybe something that is going to impact your development in the bigger trajectory, because when you go to your school or your camp, your so-and-so's kid who was used as a Reel this morning, um, even if that name is not shared, that concept is shared. 

[00:09:06] Um, so I really struggle with that because I care deeply about all children's mental health. And I don't think we should be using any children at the expense of, for other children. So that's sort of one big piece that even in the influencer world and sort of why you don't see pictures of children in my work.

[00:09:22] And then more on a personal level there are some things that have happened that sort of give me pause for concern. We live in a technology world. I am not anti-tech at all. If you've ever had a conversation with me, I talk about how we strike balance, what that looks like in the early years, I am pretty strongly like, get the kids moving outside. We don't need a bunch of screens. Kids will catch up. They're faster than we are by, um, by a light year. Um, I'll do an episode on its own of how I navigate sort of screens and young children and how do I give, you know, where do we give more consent to sort of looking at stuff.

[00:09:59] Today I just wanna talk about pictures and something that is called Sharenting. This idea that like we share tons of pictures to find connection, to have community, to be a part of something, to have our kids seen so that we feel validated. Um, and also so that we see connection. 

[00:10:14] So if we're looking at some of these parent influencers again, Some of the influencers have, you know, multiple degrees as well. Um, but still use their children heavily, whether it's in their content, um, or some even use pictures. Um, but the, the interesting thing here is Paul Davis, who is a digital privacy safety expert. Um, who, when I, when I recommend them to some families, they will say to me, he's like, there he's really extreme. He's like on the extreme. And he was on my podcast last year. And one of the things he shared about sort of digital safety, privacy, those kinds of things is. 

[00:10:51] You know, there are safe ways to share, but one of his basic rules is if you don't know the people personally in your sphere, we shouldn't be sharing with those people. So for me, I have TikTok, instagram, Facebook, YouTube. I'm sure there's more. Um, I do not know all my followers personally. You do not know me personally. I know some people feel like they know me really well, because if you're really in my sphere, you listen to me a lot. You hear me a lot. You see me a lot. Um, but we don't know each other. So that would be a great example of why I shouldn't be sharing my children or children in general. I even struggle with sharing examples of cases I'm working with. Um, that really, I have a hard time with that,.

[00:11:30] But one of the things people will say to me is like, he's a bit on the extreme and I don't disagree. And I look to the work of people like Devorah Heitner I'm about to read her newest book called growing up public. I'm very curious .To see what sort of she has in there about this concept. 

[00:11:45] I like to strike a sort of balance, but one of the things Paul talked about a few weeks ago, as he posted about hashtags on Facebook. And he's like, we have to get rid of hashtags, like potty training. And then a bunch of parents were like, no, I love those. They're helpful. They're resourceful. I feel like I'm not alone in the moment. 

[00:12:05] And basically he was like, and those are the hashtags that predators are using for your children. And I was like, I it didn't even dawn on me. Before I entered this sphere parenting sphere three years ago, I did not realize what a competitive business market. It was. I did not realize that anybody could call themselves an expert regardless of their background, working with children or how they've applied their degrees. If they've ever even used them. I had no idea. I had no idea that anybody could call themselves a parenting expert. 

[00:12:36] Um, I also didn't realize that there was this whole sphere of oversharing and things like that. Um, so I'm trying to talk about this from like, I'm trying to be mindful that I don't want people to feel judged or shamed or blamed, but thinking about the, the longer impact, because I've heard teenagers talking about this. And I seen it with my own family. How their perspectives on things have changed as they get older. Right. What they think is funny and cute and not, and what they would have, or wouldn't have liked. Had I posted it or not. Right. Um, So there's just sort of a trajectory there to consider.

[00:13:14] But one of the things that he pointed out, and this was around the same time that Pinterest was actually, um, being called out as a platform that predators use regularly to sort of like curate pictures of young children. Um, I decided to, to do that, I looked at that I was blown away now, potty training, which I have done a ton of in my daycare. 

[00:13:34] Um, is varying degrees of undress. With young children. And yes, there's a way to protect that to a certain extent. But when you think about it, if you're like, okay, if we're creating a digital blueprint for our children as they age and stage and grow and whatever, do we want that to be part of something that their teenage friends could find? 

[00:13:55] Do we want that? Right. I often use the analogy. Like if you think about those like comedic wedding slideshows that are so hilarious that are in the time and the moment with the friends that have been invited for the wedding, would we want that to be a part of a conversation at the, in the line at the movie theater or at the amusement park, or when someone's bored in one of their classes, they go Google. And that's what they find, right. Are these potty training pictures of your child? 

[00:14:23] So I know in the moment, it feels like it's building community and it's making connection, but I want to be mindful that. The bigger picture looks a lot different. I also want to be mindful of that what young children agree to and what actually that means when they're in their teens and their twenties and their thirties probably won't look the same. Um, and that there's that really important piece of consent that happens there. 

[00:14:52] I actually think this applies to a lot of things in parenting. This idea that we give very young children, very complex choices that we, you know, Adam Grant actually posted on threads. He probably posted it a bunch of places, but I saw it on threads. 

[00:15:04] This idea that wiseness is not from experience it comes from our ability to reflect on our experiences on our failures, on our things. 

[00:15:12] So I often say, and then when I'm talking to parents, they'll be like, my kid is smart and yes, children are awesome, they're smart, they're intelligent, they're intuitive, but they are not wise because they have not learned how to reflect on failure, how to reflect on their learning, how to reflect and grow and build skills. So when they agree to something when they're young or when they're trying to make very sort of complex choices, when they're young, they don't have the wiseness to do it, to think about the impact of it. 

[00:15:45] So I wanted to talk today a bit about this concept of sharenting from a slightly different perspective, from the perspective of what I seen with teens. And thought about for the last sort of 10 years, while also being mindful that in my episode with Paul Davis, we talked about how to safely share and one of the foundational rules that he put out there was is everybody in your Facebook, somebody that, you know, personally. 

[00:16:09] And when you think about that, on that sort of practical level, that makes a lot of sense, because they probably already know about your children's nuances. They already probably know a lot about your children, so it's not going to be out of sorts. 

[00:16:22] Um, I also, I think the part B conversation, and maybe I'll cover this in a part B podcast, but the part B conversation is how do we differentiate between, you know, this idea that we're building autonomy and independence and self-esteem and all those things and the reality is that likes and shares and all those things are serious dopamine hits. And as an adult with all my complex background in education, I struggled with separating the two. How could a young child possibly be able to process that? Um, Yeah, that'll be a part B conversation, but I did want to touch on today about this idea that kids A) can't consent to as much as we think they can when they're younger agree to really objectively agree to things when they're younger, because they don't have the wiseness to do it. Um, not the intelligence, the wiseness. 

[00:17:19] And this other part about sort of what we're willing to compromise in children's mental health. Um, and then the third piece is how do we build authentic communities where we can still get that feedback? Um, that doesn't require the likes and the shares. How can we get on a FaceTime call with a friend and our child so they can have some real time interactions? How can we create, you know, our own memories without having those memories become content. Right. Cause that's what it is. It's content where we have to think in terms of content. 

[00:17:56] So those are some of my thoughts on that. Um, I'll come back to it, but yeah, that's where I am right now.